Mary Sues, Beware!
by Maya Beebop
Summary: The Powers That Be have finally decided to exact vengeance on all those horrible, despised Mary-Sues!  They've deployed a different kind of Slayer to cross between fandoms and do their dirty work, but what fanfictiony adventures await our warrior?
1. Spike's Dillemma!

Wind chimes rang through the wood-lined halls, echoing through the very recesses of the dojo. Their sounds reached the ears of a masked figure, standing in front of a large jade statue.

The figure glanced around, then fixed their one uncovered green eye on the statue. Bowing, the masked person lifted their head and said n a muffled voice, "Honorable master, what is my next assignment?"

A voice came from the round mouth of the statue, masculine and commanding. "You have progressed to the final plateau of your training. You will now roam the endless plains of the Realm of Fantasy, carrying out your God-given right to exercise your skills on any immoral you may find. Now go in peace and return when you have the proper amount of muses."

The voice died away and the cloaked figure adjusted the short katana at their side, picked up a sharpened, elaborate steel pike, and exited the temple with an air of duty about them.

………………………

"You know, I don't think you're quite my _type_!"

Buffy flipped the advancing vamp on its back and pulled out a stake. "I mean, I like them tall, dark and handsome. But I also like them with a _pulse_!"

She slammed the wood down into the monster's chest, then pulled it out and watched the dust blow away. Sighing with exhaustion, she cracked her neck and tucked the weapon away. "I guess that's enough slaying for one night! Time to head back and get dressed for the Bronze."

She straightened her jacket and took three steps, right before running face-first into a certain neutered vampire with peroxide-dyed hair.

"Spike, what the hell are you doing here? Haven't I told you, like, twenty _billion_ times to leave me alone when I'm working?" she snarled.

"Sod off, Slayer. For once, I'm not stalking you. It just so happens, _I'm_ the one being stalked." He looked around warily and stayed close to a nearby tree, glancing around uneasily all the while.

"Do tell." She put her hands on her hips and gave him a condescending eye.

"I'm serious! There's a whole bunch of…um…well…"

"What?!"

"There's a whole lot of girls on my tail!"

A beat of silence passed. The Buffy cracked up. "What?" she laughed, wiping away a tear in her eye.

"I'm not telling fibs! I just started noticing them. They're always turning up whenever I want to go to Willie's, or when I try to check into the Bronze, or even when I go back to my crypt! These random vampire chicks and human girls. Some are even demons! And they _all_ know who I am!" He kept looking around nervously, as if expecting the axe to fall any minute.

"Spike, what the hell are you talking about? What cult did you piss off now?" she demanded.

"I didn't do anything! They're all…er…well, you see…"

"Spike, spit it _out_!"

"They're all after me because they WANT me!"

Another long beat of silence. And Buffy cracked up again.

"_What_?"

"Listen, I just talked to Angel, too. Don't ask, but the trouncy bugger shows up at my crypt last night and asks me if I've seen any rampaging teenaged girls around Sunny-D. I tell him I might have and he says he's gonna see you about it. Has he talked to you?"

"No."

"Well, he's gonna. He's-…"

But Spike was cut short in that instant by feminine cries of, "Look, girls! There he is! Grab him!"

The vampire tensed up and panicked. Very feline-esque, the poor man scampered up the tree and clung to a high branch for dear life as a mob of very diverse females came into the cemetery and all grouped around the tree, looking up and throwing catcalls.

"Spikey! Come down and let me borrow your duster!"

"Come on, honey! You _have_ to get to know me! I'm just _perfect_ for you!"

"You _know _you're better off with me than with that butchy blonde!"

Buffy stood, frozen and speechless, watching the girls try to get up the tree, but failing miserably as Spike resorted to frantically throwing down acorns at them, hitting their heads and causing them to fall back down.

"Hey!" Buffy finally demanded. The girls all turned around to give her dirty looks.

"What do _you_ want?" they demanded.

"First of all, don't you _dare_ give me those ugly looks, not in my town. Second, who _are_ you?" she spat.

"Why, we're all characters made _specially_ for William up there! We just _love_ him-…!"

Suddenly their speech halted and what took its place was the frantic screeches of the wounded. Buffy only caught sudden flashes of light and glimpses of metal, and made a grossed-out sound when she saw that a splatter of dark blood had stained the front of her white sweater.

"Ugh! That's gonna take _forever_ to get out!" she whined, grimacing and sticking her tongue out. Looking up, she laid eyes on a black-suited figure with a mask covering all of their face save some peach-toned skin, the left green eye and one brown eyebrow. The figure was holding a bloody pike and was wiping the intricate blade on the grass to clean off the body fluids.

"Um, hello?" she began, taking in the scene of all the bodies lying around in various positions of gore-filled death. Spike was sliding down the tree trunk, straightening his jacket and lighting up.

"Thanks a million for that, mate," he said, taking a deep puff. "I didn't know how I was gonna get rid of the little nightmares."

"I don't need your thanks," the person returned, finishing up with the weapon and pulling out a small dagger. To Buffy's and Spike's amazement, the warrior began slicing through the corpses and pulling out small different-colored beads, one from the chest of each dead girl. The person placed the pearl-sized balls in a small leather pouch attached to their belt.

"What the _hell_ are you doing, desecrating those girls' bodies?" Buffy demanded, suddenly snapping to. She was still a human and still the Slayer, and knew a crime when she saw one. "Put those…_balls_ back!"

"These things are not human," the figure returned, ignoring the blonde and continuing until every single one of the bodies was looted. "They are fictionally created _demons_ that infect the Realm of Fantasy, messing up the course of history and diverting the flow of fate."

"What?" Buffy demanded.

"They're Mary-Sues."

………………………

"What the _hell_ is a Mary-Sue?" Buffy spat, getting anxious to get the bottom of the whole situation. Spike was still half-interested; after all, if his problems were over with, why bother to care all the way?

"They aren't real beings. Just the flights of fancy created to convey a hard-pressed author's interest in a fandom, or a plane of reality."

"Keep talking."

"These little monsters were made for _this_ world, specifically to stalk _this_ vampire. There are undoubtedly more already here and thousands more to come. Usually they'll stay in the shadows and won't interact with the real occupants of this world. But sometimes they'll group together out of desperation and will transcend their mortal bounds and actually enter this world. That's what you just saw."

"And you killing them? What was that all about? I mean, I understand they're a _threat_, but what's with the little colorful beads?"

At this, the figure didn't speak and went to pick up their pike.

"Hey, I'm talking to you!" Buffy demanded.

Spike reached out and grabbed the cloaked person's shoulder in an attempt to halt them. But the person reached out, grabbed Spikes wrist, and cleanly snapped it and broke it. As Spike hissed in pain and waited for it to heal momentarily, the person gave Buffy the evil eye.

"My mission is none of your business. Don't interfere with me when I'm in this world, or I'll be forced to undo _you_ as well, even though you serve as a useful magnet for all the Mary-Sues."

The masked figure picked up their weapons and reached into another purse on their belt. They pulled out some white dust and threw it down to the ground, disappearing in the puff of smoke and light that flashed up instantly.

Buffy coughed and waved her arms, trying to clear the mist.

"What in all the hells was _that_?"


	2. All For A Mob Of Random Chicks

"I'm telling you guys, it was dressed in a black…_bodysuit_ and was wearing a creepy cape. He had a long stick with a sword at the end and killed a bunch of girls, then took these weird _beads_ out of their chests."

Buffy was livid. The Scoobies were grouped together in the Magic Box, and Giles was rubbing the back of his neck and fighting the urge to clean his glasses.

"Well, did you notice anything _else_ specific about him? I mean, we have a lot of mass murderers here in Sunnydale that go around in black and have sharp weapons." He raised an eyebrow.

"No…this one was different. Kind of all gung-ho with the oriental stuff. Like he was right out of some Japanese comic book. He had a katana and everything."

Willow nodded. "Oh, I remember those! They sell them in the mall! Tara and I used to scope them out."

Xander cocked his head. "What kind of comic-y goodness would you and Tara have to check out?"

"Oh, no, not comics. New spell-books in the "New Age" section. Some of those authors actually know what the heck they're talking about."

A witty comment would have ensued, if not for the deafening pounding on the front door. The group inside froze, spellbound as the door was jammed off its hinges and came flying in towards them at speeds excelling mach-5. Buffy reached up and grabbed it before it had a chance to bean Anya over the head.

Dozens of girls came spilling into the store, some clutching blankets over their skin and wailing while others looked around at the displays and discussed spells that could be carried out with the contents within.

Suddenly the mass laid eyes on the Scoobies and collectively gasped. "What's the scoop?" they demanded. "What horrible new demon is stalking the streets of Sunnydale?"

Giles gave them a wary glance. "Well…_you_ all, for one."

"Huh?" one, seemingly human, commented. "We're not demons!"

"Speak for yourself!" a flock of them called from the back. They sported different colored skins and several extra appendages like bat-wings and attractively placed horns.

Xander stood up and addressed them. "OK, I'm all for a mob of random chicks invading Sunnydale, especially some as good looking as _most_ of you," he explained, giving Anya a significant glance to put her at ease and then giving the rather attractive girls a look. "But what _are_ you doing here? What do you want?"

One piped up from the front, a blonde with a belt of stakes strapped around her waist and a saucy red leather outfit on. "We're on our way to L.A. We got off track and ended up in the wrong season here in Sunnydale. Angel's not here, by the by, is he?"

"No…"

"Ah well. Never hurts to ask. C'mon girls! On to Los Angeles!" She turned and pointed to the doorless exit. Some of the others cheered in excitement.

"City of Angels, here we come!"

"Gonna get us some hot brooding booty!"

"I can finally put these tentacles to good use!"

As much as the last comment seriously creeped Buffy and Co. out, Anya couldn't help but open her mouth.

"What on earth do all of you want with Angel?"

The mass turned and gave her the evil eye. "We're his _girlfriends_!" And they left.


	3. We're Under Seige!

Buffy's mouth dropped open. "Oh my God. Spike was _right_."

"Spike? Right? What color is the sky in _your_ world, Buff?" Xander inquired. "How could Spike be right about _anything_?"

"He said there were a bunch of them after Angel, too. And my God…" She watched some of the last girls exit and sneered. "We've gotta do something. They're such…_whores_!"

Giles cocked his head and nodded. "Well, I suppose some of them are seriously lacking in proper coverage, but 'whore' is usually a term I'd reserve for-…"

"We've gotta do something _now_, Giles," Buffy spun around and demanded. "I don't want that lot ever even _reaching_ L.A. I want a way to take them out. The vampires and demons I can handle, but the humans I want a way around."

The older man rubbed his temples. "We can't just…_find_ a way around their being human, Buffy. They're…out of our league. And you said there were droves of them, dozens. You can't fight this many."

"I can damn well try."

Anya spoke up from her perch near the register. "You really can't, Buffy. I remember this happening a long, long time ago. I mean, if it happened to Louis, it'll happen to Angel."

Buffy cocked her head. "Who?"

"Oh, you know. The vampire? He hung around New Orleans for a while. I met him a while back in another dimension. He said the exact same thing happened to him."

Giles raised an eyebrow and cleaned his glasses. "You mean the Anne Rice character? Anya, he was just a fictional-…"

"No, he's real. I met him. I told you; different universe. The poor guy got totally swamped by hundreds of wild, raving girls back in the early nineties. They make a movie and cast Brad Pitt as him, and suddenly every Mary, Sue and Lucy seem to think he's their soul-mate," she sighed. "I mean, he was good-looking, but too broody. Just like Angel."

Buffy's jaw hit the floor. "You mean…when I killed those guys that claimed they were Lestat…one of them might have just been him?"

Anya shook her head. "Nah, he probably isn't stupid enough to hang around and get slain. Never met him, but Louis said he was a cocky little thing."

The Slayer gave it up and turned back to the group. "Ok, so I can't fight them. There's too many. But how do we get rid of them?"

Giles was pulling books out. "Well, you spoke of this fighter, this being that killed them and took…what? From their bodies?"

"I-I don't know. Some kind of little glowing bead. Different colored beads. He put them in some sack on his side and disappeared."

"So this person can kill them. Why would we want to stop him?"

"We _don't_. If they're not real people, then what do we care if they all feel the Buffster's stake?" Xander said, shrugging his shoulders. "But it is a shame. All those cute little teenage girls…" A stern look from Anya shut him up quick.

"I want to tell Angel, though. Or…let him tell me," she said, mulling it over. "Spike said he was looking for me anyway."

Suddenly the back door opened and everyone turned to see the vampire standing in the doorway.

"Speak of the devil," Xander commented as Angel crossed the room.

"Buffy, we're getting attacked," he claimed.

"Yeah," she answered.

"No, you don't understand. It's not the normal kind of attack. We've never faced this before…"

"Ok."

'Buffy, you're gonna think I'm nuts, but you _have_ to believe me. Doyle, Wesley, and me…we've been under siege by an army of…teenage girls!"

Buffy nodded. "Yeah. We know."


	4. Climbing Through The Ventilation Does No...

Angel looked at her in stupefaction. "What? How could you know?"

She shrugged. "They came after Spike last night."

"_Spike_?" he asked in complete disbelief. "Why the hell would a bunch of them come after _Spike_?"

Buffy shrugged. "Beats me. I guess some people think a bloodstained leather coat and a lack of social skills is hot."

Angel was still mentally retching when the aforesaid vampire barreled into the Magic Box, clutching a blanket over his head and sizzling.

"Bloody hell! Someone barricade the doors! They're right on my tail!" he snarled, beating out the fire that was burning on his cover and pointing to the entrance.

Buffy looked out the window and froze for a second. What looked like a total armada of slayer lookalikes were running down the street. She called to the Scoobies and they all grabbed something large and heavy and placed it over the entrance. Giles let down the metal door and window protectors and locked them.

"You idiot! You led them right to us!" Angel hissed at Spike.

"Well, look what the cat hacked up," the blonde returned. "Couldn't stay in L.A. and fight them yourself? Had to come running to the Slayer to help you?"

"Look who's talking!"

"Enough! Shut up, both of you!" Buffy spat, pacing the floor while the girls hit the store front and tried to get through, to no avail for the time being.

"Hey, why is it just Spike and Angel who get the masses of chicks? Is it just vampires that get all the fun stuff?" Xander mused, crossing his arms.

Willow cocked her head. "Well, maybe it's because, well, humans are so _ordinary_, you know? I guess these girls just wanna…I dunno…aim for the darker side."

"Splendid theory," Xander said, slightly hurt. "I can be plenty dark and mysterious! I can mystify the best of them!"

"No you can't," Anya scolded. "You can't even lie very well, honey."

As Xander sputtered, Buffy was looking for a way out of their veritable Alamo. "How about the air ducts?" she suggested.

"Fine by me. All I want is out of this soddy mess," Spike cussed as he stood on a chair to pull the grating off a vent.

"I'd think you'd like all the extra attention, Spike," Angel taunted. "Dozens of impressionable little girls panting after you. Must really do something for that ego."

"Oh, go do a jig in the sunlight," he returned, clambering into the now open vent. The group followed behind, one by one, with Buffy bringing up the rear.

"Ouch!" Anya said. "I put my hand down on a nail! You'd think whoever built this place would have picked up the extra nails!"

"Would you rather them have not nailed it in at all?" Willow muttered from near the back.

"It's _really_ cramped in here," Xander said, a little breathless. "And stuffy."

"We're gonna have to make do, Xander. It's the only way out. Now everyone shush up so no one hears us talking," Buffy demanded.

Spike laughed in his throat from the front. "Yeah, and no one'll notice the loud scuffling from the air ducts. They'll think we're just a bunch of huge rats."

"You _are_ a huge rat." Angel shoved hard on Spike's rear and Spike fell over, slamming his face against the warm metal.

"You sodding son of a-…"

"Shut _up_!" Buffy snapped. "Keep moving."

They finally all reached the end, and Spike pushed the final grate away so they could climb up onto the roof. Fortunately, it had become rather overcast, so the two vampires didn't incinerate. The group stood around, looking for a way out.

"I guess we could go over the rooftops, if we stayed out of sight. Make for my house," Buffy suggested.

"It's our only way out," Giles supported, his joints aching from crawling through such a long duct.

They carefully stuck to the middles of the roofs and hopped over, one by one. Finally they reached the end of the commercial district and they climbed down a fire escape. As their feet touched the ground, Buffy gasped.

"Oh my God! Dawn! She's home from school and she doesn't know about any of this!"

Xander sighed. "We better get there before something crazy happens. Like they initiate her into their ranks."

"Why would Dawn want to link up with a hoard of Spike-worshiping nutcases?" Angel sneered.

"Well, she _did_ have that crush-…" Buffy started, but at Spike's amazed expression, she shut up and shook it off. "Forget it. Angel, stop starting fights. Spike, stop-…doing whatever you're doing to piss me off. Let's just get home."

They made a break for it, and they barreled in the door just as the sun peeked out and Spike and Angel started smoking. Buffy slammed the door shut, locked it, and called for Dawn.

"Dawnie? Dawn? Are you home?"

No answer. She ran upstairs to see a tousled bed and an empty room. She practically fell back downstairs to see a tacit group. Giles was holding a piece of paper.

"Buffy…" he said quietly. "They've…taken Dawn."

The Slayer froze. "Let me see," she asked, and took the note.

_"If you wish to get your sister back, you'll go to the cemetery at midnight and wait by the Cox family crypt,"_ she read aloud.

Willow sighed. "Oh, Buffy!"

"Relax, Will. It's no big deal; they're probably just holding her hostage to get someone out of us to come rescue her in the hopes that we'll bring one of the two guys and they'll grab him in the fray."

"Well bugger that!" Spike spat. "I'm not gonna be bait."

"Do you want Dawn to get hurt?" Angel demanded. Spike straightened his lapels and made a sound of disgust.

"Of course not. Little bit's the unlucky one, that's all. I just don't feel like having to fight off a wild mob of girls while Buffy trots off home with Dawn in tow."

"How very selfish of you."

Spike turned to Buffy. "Don't tell me you wouldn't! You don't give a damn about my safety over Dawn's, and I know that and I see the sense in that. But I'd rather _not_ have to keep them at bay all the same."

Buffy considered this. "True. Let's promise this instead. You all come with me, and we leave no man behind. We're getting Dawn back, come Hell or high water."


	5. Speak AMERICAN English!

Night fell and the air was muggy with soon-to-be-falling rain. Buffy wanted to beat the storm out, but with the slow going and the waiting around for midnight in the cemetery, she was starting to think she shouldn't have worn pleather pants.

"I'm just saying, I don't see why we can't just, you know, tell them to take a hike," Willow was saying to Xander and Anya. "I mean, they're just teenagers. Hormone bombs."

"I agree. These 'Marty-Spews' are probably just as smart as whoever made them. Something tells me they're not incredibly bright," Anya thought.

"I think it's 'Marly-News', isn't it?" Xander contributed.

Willow rubbed her head. "No, Buffy said it was 'Murphy-Stus'."

"Murry-Blues?"

"Merry-Chews?"

"It's _Mary-Sues_!" Buffy hissed, trying to get them to quiet down. "And shush! I think I head something!"

And she did. From out of the Cox crypt came a small group of girls, a dozen of them at the most. Most of them were strawberry blonde or brunette, and they didn't seem as fiery as the others the group had seen. In fact, these seemed paler and less hell-bent on their quest in comparison to their other sisters.

"Where's Dawn?" Buffy demanded of these wan and slightly jumpy girls.

They brought her out and Dawn shook off their grips. The Slayer's sister pouted and crossed her arms. "I don't even believe this."

"Dawnie, come here," Buffy asked.

She tried to, but the girls caught her and held her back. "You don't get her until we get what we want," one of them said, trying to sound formidable but just sounding pitiful.

"Really? What exactly is that?" Buffy demanded. "I'm not really in a negotiating mood."

"Hand over Xander, and you can have Dawn back."

* * *

They all were frozen, especially Xander, whose mouth dropped open in sheer disbelief.

"You heard us. Give us Xander and no one gets hurt!" another shouted and stamped her foot.

"You can't have him; he's mine!" Anya retorted, grasping her boyfriend's arm and holding tight.

"Too bad! You're just a silly ex-demon who talks funny. Xander deserves someone much prettier and much more human than you!" one of the saucier ones spat.

Anya, hurt and confused, looked to Xander for some kind of defense. But the boy was too bowled over by his own fan club to say a word.

"No way. Xander's spoken for. You want someone like Spike, we can talk. But no Xander for you," Buffy put her foot down.

Spike's face fell in betrayal, while a few of the girls looked a little hopeful. "Buffy!" he demanded. "You said-…"

"I said we'd leave no _man_ behind. You're a vampire. I can barter with you."

In rage, Spike vamped and snarled. "I don't _believe_ you! Just _fight_ the pansies off and get Dawn!" He made for the crowd, the girls trying to stand up to him as he parted the path with a strong hand. One of them was launched ten feet in the air and landed on her rump with a wail. Spike looked down, de-vamped in surprise, and his face lit up.

"Hey, the ninja-fellow was right! They're _not_ human! I can hurt them!"

The girls let out a collective shriek and made for the safety of the maze of tombstones, flying out in all directions. Buffy made sure Dawn was safe, then went after them to try and ask her questions.

But Spike was making quick work of them, venting his anger at being sold out by Buffy on their poor defenseless selves. While Buffy and the crew were slowly tracking a few down that had hidden in the crypt, Spike was gutting the rest outside to Xander's protests.

"Hey, don't kill them all! Leave a few for me!" he shouted to the wild vampire.

"Leave them for _what_?" Anya demanded, poking her head out of the crypt.

"Uh…to get to know, I guess. I never knew I had a fan club," he returned, a little embarrassed.

Buffy had lost track of them. They'd escaped into the sewers and she knew she'd never find them. Emerging, she saw that Spike had one of them in his grip, slowly crushing her windpipe.

"Spike! Drop her!" she shouted across the graveyard.

He snarled, his fangs glinting and his eyes glowing yellow, and he let her down slowly, releasing his death-grip. "You got _lucky_," he muttered to her as she gasped for breath.

Buffy knelt down and got a grip on her shoulder. "Alright, little miss Mary. Spill the beans. What are you all doing here?"

The girl was straining for air, still half-choked. Buffy shot a contemptible glance at Spike, who de-vamped and shrugged.

"We're just here to contact the guys we were made for. It's not _our_ fault!" she managed through breaths.

"Well, who sent you?" the Slayer demanded.

At this, the girl silenced herself and wouldn't answer.

"Well," Angel mentioned nonchalantly. "We could always make good use of those chains in my house. And Buff, you've got plenty of sharp pointy objects that could come in handy-…"

"Alright! Please, just don't use the pointy things!" the girl cried. "We're here because the place we live in is too crowded, and we just started spilling out. If we make contact, we get to stay here. It's like heaven."

"Make contact?" Buffy asked warily. "What does that mean?"

The girl blushed, and Giles, ever the all-knowing Watcher, perked up his head with a grin. "I know!" he exclaimed, one finger in the air. "Make contact. It has to be physical, at least in all definitions I can relate to this sort of thing. And it must have some sort of emotional tie as well. Not just regular touch will do. Something reserved for very special occasions, but not _too_ personal or everything else could be disjointed."

They all cocked their heads with the physical embodiment of the phrase, "What the hell does that mean?"

Anya shook her head. "It means they have to kiss or boink, right? But they can't boink, because that would affect others around them and destroy our plane of existence!"

Xander rubbed his head. "So…they make out with anyone the opposite sex?"

"No, honey. Just the person they're after. In this case, this one has to kiss _you_ so she can stay here. But we're not gonna let that happen," she commented with a small smile. "No one can kiss you but me. And maybe Buffy or Willow if it's friendly and there's no tongue involved."

Xander looked a little downhearted, but he hid it quickly. Then a flash of insight hit. "Wait…other guys in the group, please, _tell_ me none have them have gotten to you yet! Tell me I'm not the only one getting no Murray-Crew action."

Spike shook his head and laughed in his throat. "Would you feel better if we said yes?"

"_Yes_!"

"Then sure. I dunno about Angel, here, but I personally haven't felt the burning desire to do the tongue-tango with a Kindra Demon that just shows up on my doorstep. How 'bout you, mate? Getting a little hot around the collar around all these birds?"

Angel shook his head and sneered. "Like I'd tell you if I did. Which I'm _not_."

Buffy rubbed her temples. "Ok. So, all we gotta do is keep any of them from kissing you guys. Easy. Easy as pie."

Willow got an idea. "I know! We could…lock them up in a room somewhere until we get rid of all of the Marcy-Stews!"

Xander gave her a flabbergasted face. "You'd leave me _alone_ with two vampires who wouldn't get to feed for what could be _days_? Will, come on! Do you want to kill me?"

"Oh, shut up. Not even raging hunger could get me to bite _you_!" Spike snapped.

"Hey! I seem to remember a night you had to stay at my place and I had to tie you up!"

"And I seem to remember telling you that you weren't exactly a 'nummy treat', if memory serves."

Willow, Anya and Buffy cocked heads at one another at the phrase "nummy treat".

"Alright!" Buffy demanded. "More plans?"

Xander shook his head. "As long as it doesn't entail the locking of me in a room with those two, I'm game."

"Sod off, you poofter."

"Shut up and speak _American_ English!"

"Guys! Damn it, we're trying to keep you guys low-key, and you're having a shouting match! Does the phrase 'low-profile' mean _anything_ to you?"

They gave her nervous, embarrassed glances and shifted their weights. Everyone tried to brainstorm.

"What about just wailing on them?" Xander suggested. "You know? Some good old-fashioned slayage. Grab, stab and move on."

"Some of them are _human_, Xand. We can't kill humans."

"No they're not," Spike added. "If _I_ could hurt them, they're not human."

"Offense meant, Spike, but you've been neutered and _you're_ still a vampire," Angel said with a sneer.

The platinum-blonde bloodsucker looked to Buffy with a flabbergasted face. "Do I have to defend myself against these meatheads all night or are we gonna find some way to _stop_ this?"

"Ok! More ideas. Come on, use your brains, guys."

The area was silent before Giles finally had an epiphany. "Wait. That ninja fellow! He seemed to know about these Mary-Sues; much more than we do. Shouldn't we find him?"

They all agreed. Saddling up, the group made their way back to the Magic Box. Completely unaware of the figure that dropped down on the lone girl, severing her body in two and spilling a shiny bead-like orb from her body which was promptly picked up and placed in a sack along with several dozen more like it.


End file.
